By Shelly Lopez Gray

Disclaimer! I am a labor and delivery nurse. I'm just kidding around... kind of. Like, 90 percent kidding, 10 percent not. Well, maybe 80/20. Just remember, if we didn't joke around sometimes, we'd be miserable!

Do I look like your servant? The.answer.is.no. I'll be happy to get you everything you need and everything to make you comfortable, but doing some things yourself is part of the we're-getting-you-back-to-normal plan.

Suck it up. Not all the time, but sometimes, you just got to suck it up. You don't like swallowing pills? Um...sorry. This is how grown-ups do it

Take out the trash. It never ceases to amaze me how much trash is left lying around one room. Throw that junk away!

Look at me when I'm talking to you. FFS, pay attention! Put down your cell phone. Lower the t.v. Make some eye contact with me so I know there's a light on in there. Forget understanding what I'm saying---my first goal is for you to hear me.

Pain doesn't last forever. No matter how bad your pain is right now, remember that pain will not last forever. On a side note, I hope you don't have to die to get relief, but in the meantime, just concentrate on the positive and hopefully knowing that it won't last forever will help you out.

Stop whining. The mashed potatoes don't taste good? You should try the carrots. And p.s. the cafeteria isn't open at night for staff, so night nurses only have the option to eat sandwiches leftover from the day. Those mashed potatoes aren't looking so bad right about now...

Tidy your room. Dirty laundry everywhere? There's the clothes hamper. Suitcase lying around? There's the closet. Toiletries by the computer? There's the bathroom.

Get to the point. Granted, some things need a really long explanation. But sometimes I wish people would just come out and say "I prefer dilaudid." Or whatever it is they want to say. Don't expect people to know what you want or what you're thinking. Just tell them, and then you can talk about it.

Remember your manners. Manners go a long way. I'm just saying---even my 2 year old knows how to say 'please'. I'm just saying I want to chuck the pillow at your head when you say "get me another pillow."

Get dressed. You can stay in your hospital gown, but do the rest of the things you normally would. Comb your hair, put on makeup, and brush your teeth. You'd be amazed at how much better you feel when you look like you normally do.

Stop playing with your food and eat it. You didn't cook it, and you're not going to clean it, so stop messing about and eat it. And btw, if you don't like it, lie.

Follow directions. I said it every which way I could. If you do this, this, or this, THIS will happen. I made it sound as bad as humanly possible, and you STILL did it! wtf

Appreciate your time with me, because by the time you move out you'll be paying bills and doing your own laundry. Love your nurse. Enough said.

Wash your hands, they're filthy. If you touch something dirty, you need to wash your hands. It sounds simple enough, but you'd be surprised how many people we help back from the bathroom who try to hurry past the sink, like it's the water that's making them sick. The same rule applies if you cough, sneeze, or touch any other bodily fluid...or any other "discreet" body part for that matter.

If momma isn't happy, no one's happy. If your nurse is happy, they will make you life a living fairy tale. Be sweet to those taking care of you, and you'd be amazed at how sweet they will be right back.